Friday, February 10, 2012

Happy Craze!

It's been 8 days since I've begun Celexa and I have to say I am feeling so much better. I haven't cried in over a week and I haven't been feeling anxious about anything. Actually, I have been rather relaxed and fairly pleasant.  I have been making sure that I feel good about myself inside and out. I've been doing my hair, still wearing dresses-I don't see that changing anytime soon. So things are good. I read a couple horribly tragic articles in the paper and didn't even CRY! This means things are going well. For years every time I've read the paper and have read about a family dying in a car crash or some douche bag stabbing his kids to death and leaving the mother devastated I have gushed tears of sorrow and sometimes I've just outright bawled my eyes out. Not this week! I read about people dying and no tears! I was still sad but not so much that I did my usual tear fest. Depression is a bitch people. It really is.

I also managed to make it to school EVERYDAY this week! That hasn't happened in a while. Usually I don't leave the house on Thursdays and Fridays so I always miss the 2nd part of my Meso-America class and Friday's Ethnology of The Himalayas class-I LOVE this class. I should not be missing it! I went today and felt so good being there.

I was able to be off meds for almost 3 years but unfortunately I was focusing more on my anxiety and less on my depression. It should have been the other way because it is my depression that is tied into my anxiety and it is because of my depression that I'm so overly sensitive to things. But I'm on the best path for me right now and I would love to be able to pop a few Adrenasense pills and feel better but that's not been happening. Sometimes we need meds and there is nothing wrong with that. Mental illness is real and has tangible effects on my life. Missing school and missing out on being social is detrimental and I shouldn't have to explain that to anyone.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Yay for understanding doctors!

What a great day this turned out for me, mental health wise. School wise, not so great as I missed Meso-America. Oh well. Big Z is back from her month long trip in Toronto so she is very GLAD to be back. Plus, I FINALLY have my beautiful CAMERA back! Can post my dresses! Woohoo! 


So. I had a consult with a potential new doctor today. We meshed which was awesome. I have new asthma puffers now. well only one is new. I don't need to go into the specifics but, I found out that after having been on the brown puffer (Pulmicort) for 7 years that I was supposed to have been taking it DAILY?! I was only taking it when I had a chest cold or an attack. . .woops! So now I'm on a different puffer and I need to take it twice a day and it's going to clear up my lungs which will mean that I should soon be free of my chronic bronchitis! Yah proper information! I was wondering why that brown puffer was $86! Maybe that's why I never used it. I am so cheap. 


My wonderful new doctor also prescribed me Celexa. Celexa (Citoplam) is used to treat depression. Citalopram is in a class of antidepressants called selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs). It works by increasing the amount of serotonin, a natural substance in the brain that helps maintain mental balance.


I was on this in 2006 and it worked quiet well I thought. I began at 20mg and then had to increase to 40mg and after that I was fine. I took it for 2 years and I stopped because I wasn't comfortable with stigma that can accompany mental illness. But you what? i don't care anymore. My anxiety is impairing my ability to learn and funtuion properly. I miss school, I cry, I don't want to do anything or go anywhere. So if it takes a little pill everyday to keep me in check and cokbining that with a weekly visit to a shrink then that is FINE. It is what's best for me. I have to ignore those who say to "get over it" and I mean those people who have never dealt with depression. My anxiety is situation and I cannot always be in control of this. I took my first pill today. I feel kinda. . . mellow. But, this could be a combo of celexa plus my new puffer? Who knows. 


I remember Celexa allowed me to continue on with things without crying all the time. It was like it shelved my problems so that I could move them out of my way and function. Of course, this time round I am going to see a psychiatrist. Last time they wanted me to do some group therapy shit, no thanks. I prefer one on one.


 I am SO glad my university has a benefits program for students!

Monday, January 30, 2012

ANXIETY MONDAY

Missed school today as I was up until 4:30am and I knew there was no may I was going to make my Philosophy class, even at 1:00pm. It just. . .begins. I was reading about grief and mourning a loved one since I've been crying a lot about dad and dedo. Of course it went from crying about them and how much I miss them and then it moved into something else and then I the panic attack began and then the next wave of "why can't I be normal? I just want to be normal!" which moved back to dad and then I began crying about how long I've been having attacks which has been since was 5 years old. 


It's exhausting. I am exhausted. So here I am now, it's 3:00pm and I'm watching Strictly Ballroom which is helping very much to cheer me up. I have mass amounts of stuff to type up (ugh, DESPISE typing schoolwork) and I've only made one dress this week. . .although it is a pretty awesome and hilarious skulls and crossbones print with black crowns and butterflies. . . what? ha! So I guess that's alright. I'll probably finish another dress today. I generally cut out 3 or 4 dresses at a time and then decide which one  I want to work on. If I get bored or annoyed with one dress then I'll put it aside for a couple days and work on something else. 


I finally might have a doctor (after almost 2 years of being in Nanaimo and no one taking new patients) so I'm hoping to talk to him and I think the best thing for mew would be to go back on Celexa for a while to get my anxiety and depression under control. I feel like shit everytime I miss school and it's not like I'm skipping class to go done cool shit. I am at home sleeping or eating or doing homework or wallowing. Lame. So, I think I'll do that. For now I need a quick fix and while Magnesium and Adrenasense are helping, they aren't helping enough and I'm having trouble manifesting a healthy and clear mind. 

Friday, January 27, 2012

Back up here

        Not having a camera to take pictures of my dresses, dog, etc is a bit depressing! ONE more week and I will finally be able to show off my creations for Sew Weekly. Yeesh.


I did receive my order from Amazon, which I spoke about in my previous post. The Colette Sewing Handbook is beautiful and I'm so excited to make those dresses! She's really into silk huh? Hmm, all my dresses are made from cotton-I do not like polyester or rayon. I'll try silk when I get really good at sewing! The book is awesome and I got it for $20 which makes it even better because I know how much those patterns are. They usually run about $18 each. 18x5=$92! So, I got a deal to say the least! 


The other book I purchased was Fat!So? by Marilyn Wann.Check out her website. I think it's a great book. I read EVERY review on Amazon about it from 5 stars down to 1 star. I feel that those that gave this book a low rating really missed the point. This book is not about promoting weight gain or excusing someones weight because they're "lazy". 


This book is about accepting who you are and owning your body and understanding that health is your number one priority and that the number on the scale does not dictate this. The author constantly pushes healthy eating (eat your broccoli) and activity and movement (bike riding, swimming, etc). She's not saying "oh, you're fat? Okay! Get fatter and who cares what ppl say". It's really about stopping the obsession with trying to achieve a supermodel physique (that most men and women cannot achieve anyways because they aren't built that way!) by eating 1000 calories a day and adhering to a schedule of chronic exercise to maintain that size 0. This book is about SELF ACCEPTANCE and that the only person who can truly make you feel low is yourself and if there are peeps in your life making you feel low, well, bye bye! 



This book opens your eyes to seeing people for who they are and not what they weigh. Perhaps because I'm fat and healthy (no medications here!) I understand her stance better than someone who is not fat and chooses to be ignorant of what actually constitutes healthy.

loved this book and I would have really LOVED discovering it as fat teen.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

AMAZON SMILES!

I very much pref er to buy books in person but when you live in a lameo city like I do, and neither of the 2 Chapters stores carry the books I am looking for. . .well. . .glad I have a paypal account. I have been reading about Sarai Mitnick who runs the most awesome Colette Patterns site which is decadent, like chocolate! I love the patterns and the simplicity of them. I'm finding that the more patterns I buy (tsk tsk) that some of them are NOT designed well at all. Well, in my opinion at least! I was always seeing the Colette patterns pop up on blogs and when Alana of  Lazystitching did a post on the Colette Macaroon dress and I thought it looked fabulous on her! But yah, so I ran over to Amazon (hah!) and picked up The Colette Sewing Handbook which includes 5 patterns! Gotta LOVE that! 


I also picked up a second book. I have been doing a lot of reading about Healthy At Every Size   especially since I'm considered obese. There is a lot of great information out there and a lot of positive women who are not interested (like I am) in putting up with this "once size for all" cup of tea. I'm not advocating being a fat slob eating Doritos on the couch. Everyone's body has a comfort zone. Some people's bodies are happy with a bit of cushioning and some people are naturally thin and that is where they stay no matter how much they eat. HAES is a reality check that people need to wake up to. I walk all over the place, I don't eat barrels of Ice Cream and the last time I went to a fastfood joint was I think last December and we split a chicken wrap thing (grilled. . .yah sure it was). Anyways, I'm about to go on a tangent and that is not the point of this post. I bought, what I think/hope is a great book called  Fat! So?: Because You Don't Have to Apologize for Your Size  The reviews for it were pretty great so i'm going on them. Why? Once again the Chapters here sucks ass! Fat!So is a good site and there are many others that I'll discuss later. But anyways, those are my purchases and I am so excited for the UPS dude/dudette to knock on my door!!

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

The horrid Croquis!

I've was on/in the Sew Weekly members forum and someone had put out the question about horrid croquis and how do people (mainly women) feel about going about it and using it? So many comments about how the poster was so "brave" for having the courage to do a croquis. I don't get it. . .and I'm fat! I've done one, a horrible one but I was able to see the gist of my body shape. I'm going to do a proper one in a week or so. I just don't know what the big deal is about seeing your body form as it truly is. Do these women not have mirrors or look at themselves naked? I was peeved. Not at the commenters (word?) themselves but at the attitudes being projected. everyday we are bombarded with Hollywood images and told that this celebrity is too skinny or too fat. It's the Three Bears tale constantly throughout! IS it because I'm bigger that I think these women should "get over it"? I don't think so.

 In the last 3 years I've gone from 210 lbs to 250 and now down to 240 lbs. But I have to say that since I've begun sewing I have a better body image-maybe because I now have complete control over what is fashionable to me? If I want to wear a wiggle dress every day I can and it doesn't matter if it's the purple shade from 2 seasons ago. My mom told me the other day that I NEED to wear dropped waist dresses because I'm short waisted. Okay. . .but. . .I like the dresses of the 40's and 50's. . .not much there in the dropped waist aisle! So I basically have no waist. . .who the hell cares?  I don't! I wasn;t even so aware of this "flaw" until it was mentioned to me.

 Whatevs. . .I'm gonna wear what I'm gonna wear and no one can stop me! 
Summer 2008. 210 lbs


225ish lbs july 2010. Rockin' the tights, Toronto style!

I have to say that  I was pretty "happy" at 210 lbs. Not because of the # on the scale, that means NOTHING, hello- fat to muscle ratio anyone? But the "weight" at that time represents such a HAPPY time in my life. When I came back to B.C I got back together with a person that I should have left in my past and to try to push him away I began to gain weight. I eventually did use my words (Good job Yasmina!) but the weight was a way to communicate physically that I did not want be. . .wanted? Desired? Only in this situation because he had commented on my weight before and I knew that this was one way to get rid of him. Anyways, this croquis comment has turned down a different street that I did not really intend-but I feel good so that's what counts!

Sunday, December 25, 2011

My second dress for SWAP 2012, sticking to my palette still. I've decided to wear this to our xmas dinner. This was a VERY easy dress to make. It consisted of 3 pieces!!
My dress is based on B. I made the sash much smaller though. I really like it! Finished pics of me wearing my dress to follow in next post!


 

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Eureka!

I think I have figured out my palette colors for the SWAP. There are several but for me it's still limiting which is what I need otherwise my outfits will be all over the map colorwise and nothing will match nicely.






These palettes come from Colour lovers. It's a great site and there are too many palettes so it can be overwhelming to narrow down the choices. I have 3 other palettes that I will use for spring instead of late winter. Spring? Does spring even exist in B.C?

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

SWAP Sew-A-Long 2012!

I have decided that I am going to participate in my first sew-a-long! This is so I can focus on fitting and top cutting corners and I also would really like to make my own wardrobe and not just a million nightgowns (they are ever so comfy though). I'm doing it through Artisan's Square and it is called Sew With A Plan (SWAP 2012 ) SWAP 2012 Info.  It begins Dec 26th and I have until April 30th, 2012 to make a total of at least 11 pieces of clothing.

The RULES:

Choose any seven garments from this list:

Button Down Shirt w/Collar         

Blouse or shirt   (collar is optional)                 
T-Shirt           
Vest                                
Overshirt 

Dress                       
Jeans
Trousers       
Shorts or Capri Pants       
Skirt   
                  
Coat  (suit or sport coat)
Overcoat or Raincoat     
Bathing Suit & Coverup 

Jacket (jean jacket, windbreaker, hoodie, etc.)


From those seven, choose four to make twice for a total of 11 garments that will work together.   Those four may either be repeated garments from the same pattern, or one each from two different patterns.


The photos may be on you, on a dress form or any other way which shows them well.

You should show how you plan to combine tops and bottoms, and together should show everything. You’ll probably need to photograph some bottoms more than once.

Composites will be allowed, but only if they show details of the same outfit, e.g. a back view, a close up or the “before” photo if you are recycling. You may not show two different outfits on the same photo; such photos won’t be posted!

A single photo showing all the items together will be allowed but not required.

Please number your photos and then add a brief note to describe each one and when you plan to wear it, e.g. 1) Pink cotton Jalie top with khaki  poly/cotton BWOF pants; weekend shopping.



Luckily I can make muslins for any item I like which is AWESOME! So, what shall I make?


Blouse or shirt   (collar is optional)
Dress   
Skirt
Coat  (suit or sport coat)
Jacket (jean jacket, windbreaker, hoodie, etc.)
Overshirt 
Overcoat or Raincoat  

Now to choose the patterns!! Very excited!




Monday, December 12, 2011

LET THE ANXIETY CONTINUE

                                               I've been feeling down for the past few months since I've been dealing with two deaths in my family, my dad and my deda (gpa). they died 59 days apart and it is heartbreaking. So. I have a very low tolerance for people who wallow in self pity and enjoy lying in the grave they've dug for themselves. Some people just love to wallow-really though it is the attention they want and not so much the sadness. I don't like to wallow and I rarely speak about my anxiety because I don't want to appear as if I'm whining. I also am not interested in listening to my sister tell me how to deal with mu anxiety as if it can be done away with in a flash. She has a degree in psych so she does know some stuff but when it comes from family it can sometimes seem more like bashing and less like constructive criticism.  I've already decided to see a counselor when the January term begins for school and get myself into some Cognitive Behavioral therapy. And now I question why I didn't do that when I was diagnosed when I was 21.

               I remember seeing my doctor and telling him  I was depressed and crying all the time and that I was scared to go out in public-hence, Pre-morbid Social anxiety disorder. I no longer have problems being in public places but the anxiety is there. It's been there since I was 2. 2! How is it possible that a 2 year old child can develop anxiety? I didn't think it was possible until I began really listening to my body and my mind when my panic attacks begin. I understand what fuels my anxiety and the fear isn't constant but when an once of fear enters my thoughts, well-it's fucking on! of course one fearful thought leads to another fearful thought and then dread and then the many "what ifs" and then crying and then crying because I hate that i'm crying over "what ifs" and that I hate that I can't go to my mother and cry in front of  her because she doesn't know how to deal with crying because as a child she wasn't allowed to cry unless there was tangible physical pain. . .fuck. And then I become further upset because my sister makes me feel like a loser who enjoys my sadness when  I don't and I'm not really sad, it's actually that I'm more disappointed in myself that I've have been like this for the past 26 years and I can't even talk to my sister about it with out her offering a diagnosis (difficult to adapt-don't even get me started) and being a cold bitch.

Last night was a doozey!

            I went to bed at 2:30am, began watching Hope Floats and then became emotional when Sandra Bullocks mother died. I began thinking of dad and then dedo and then mom and how she keeps leaving the upstairs window open and how easy it is for someone to grab a ladder (from where?) and climb in and kill her. This is my thought process. And then I began thinking about how I fucking HATE that Wanda brings a bottle of wine over every Tuesday and Saturday to have a drink after my mom does her hair. But, you see, my mom wants to be healthy and wants to stop drinking, even if it is only  glass a couple times a week. But she's too scared to tell this to Wanda and  i keep telling her to kindly inform Wanda that she's tying to heal her body and could she please not bring any wine over. hasn't happened yet. But it will and I know it's going to be me who explodes and has to fucking tell Wanda myself! This panic attack was pretty bad-lasted 3 hours! I didn't get to sleep until about 6am. Just awesome.

            I have an essay to type up and a story to finish writing and this fucking attack totally fucked up my day. 



Saturday, December 10, 2011

Edwardian times?



 I went to Value Village on Friday. I love and dislike it at the same time. Half the stuff is so overpriced, this is second hand (even third and fourth hand) stuff people! Why is an old cookie tin $6? It should be. . . $3! There's always more things to look at then you could possibly buy and the books? Well, I spent $50 and $22 of that was on 6 books and then I realized when  I came home that I had bought two of the same book but with different covers. . .didn't even notice. The rest of my total was spent on 6 patterns ($1 each-not bad) and some fabric and a couple quilting magazines-although to be honest I have made a total of 2 quilts in my life and the first went to my dog and the second has become a wall hanging.

                         I LOVE to make pajamas. Like, I could make them everyday. I've made 4 pj dresses and one pair of pants (that I never wear) and I've just cut out the pieces for a new very fancy pj dress! This is from Simplicity and what I like about the pattern is that you can get very creative with the designs. 




If I had had enough of the floral I would have used it throughout but I'm actually glad I ran out because the white  tones down the busyness of the print.
Pattern-see below
Fabric-Polyester(3m) and cream eyelet(1m) from thrift store $4
time to complete-3 hours
cost-$4!
The apron I made for my baba's birthday. She loves purple and she loves me!
                Pattern-freehand
fabric-gimgham from fl $4.5/metre (1m)
time to complete- 1hour
cost-$5.50


My chest is no where near as large as this chicks! And she's not even  that big!




I'm making the pink nightgown. I really wanted to make the nightgown above it but it requires 5 meters of fabric and could decide what I wanted to use.
Bambam looking demonic as he chews his carrot!

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

I MISS YOU

                          So lately my blog has been more about my sewing adventures rather than my life adventures. It's been a depressing 7 months. Dad died mid April and then my Dedo (gpa) died 59 days after my dad, so July. We just found out about a month ago that my dedo died due to human error which is a very nice way of sugarcoating involuntary manslaughter. They tried to cover it up and we had to push for an autopsy to figure out how he died. . .I won't go into it because it's a bunch of morbid details and will make me even more depressed. Anyways, lawyers have been met with.


                         I think what really upsets me most is that my dedo could be here RIGHT NOW. He is not because if someone's mistake. Yes, he was 86-so what? He had a strong heart, he loved his family. However, he had lost 15% of his memory and he was losing the control of his bodily functions and wasn't as mobile as he should have been. He was tired of his life and prayed many times asking God when he could be taken (Lutheran) and be done. I guess I feel that his choice of when to die was taken from him-I know many people cannot choose when they die, which is heartbreaking- and he was alone in a disgusting hospital room. No one was there, no one was there to ease him into his death. My baba wasn't there to hold his hand. 


                               My Baba (gma) hates Canada now. She's angry because she believes nurses and doctors are gods and this shouldn't have happened. I'm not angry anymore, I miss my dedo very much. I chose not to attend his OPEN CASKET funeral. After attending my great-uncles'. . .no, I couldn't do it again. There is something about Yugoslavian funerals (at least in my family) that makes them very heavy and very dark and very painful. I'm glad I didn't go. 


                          The beautiful last memory I have of dedo is giving him a kiss on the cheek and telling him I'll see him next week when in fact I was moving back to B.C the next day. What was the point of telling him? He had no concept of time. He couldn't remember if he had had dinner or not. So, I have this beautiful lasting image of him as a healthy old man smiling at me and telling me he loves me. 


                      I don't have that image of my father, I wish I did. I REALLY wish I did. The last image I have of my father and it is one that keeps repeating in my mind daily-he is laying in his bed at the hospital, an existing skeleton, no longer able to speak, an effect of the stroke. My sister Justine sits beside him urging him to put on the oxygen mask, he pushes it away, he's not interested. My sister is whispering to him,telling him that everything is alright and that whenever he's ready to go he can. She's reassuring him of his decision to stop eating. A man in control till the "end". He held my mother's hand when she went to sit with him, an act of forgiveness. He hadn't really spoken to her in 10 years and it was time to forgive and heal. She held his hand and felt him squeeze it, this was how he was communicating. He was letting her know that it was okay and he still loved her. And then it was my turn to sit with him. He used so much of his small amount of strength to give me a pat on my right shoulder. I lost it. I couldn't stop crying. 7 months later and I still cannot stop crying. He was surrounded by so much love during his transition. Me, my sister, my mother. My 2 other sisters were on their way but arrived perhaps 5, 10 minutes after he left. we surrounded him, I was bawling. Justine was calm, she and  mom were comforting dad. My mom fixed his pillow for him making sure he was as comfortable as possible. So fragile and quiet. All we could hear was dad's breathing and as his breaths became shorter I knew death was coming and there was NOTHING I could do to stop it. Just accept it and love him and know that he loved me. But when his last breath faded away, inside I begged for him to breath just once more so I would know he was still here with us, still able to protect us and love us. Justine whispered "he's gone", crying  I asked "are you sure?". She was. All the stress and sickness disappeared from his face, he looked so pure, so calm, and so at peace. I wish I could say I remember my dad dying in a beautiful encirclement of love and light. But I don't. I remember him after his death. His contorted face, his small, frail and fragile frame. the bruises on his hand and forehead. I wish I could forget those things but I can't and no there are no words that will comfort me. All i can do is look at photographic memories  and relive those memories and then I can hear his voice, feel his energy and not be quite so sad. But, it's' hard and as time goes by it is not getting easier for me. If anything, it's becoming increasingly difficult. 


                So there it is. I have school to keep me focused and my dads encouraging voice to urge me to press on and get things done and quit screwing around. I guess I have to get things done now. 

Friday, November 25, 2011

Orange happiness

          Finally finished the pajamas for my sister. My mom tried stealing them but they are slightly too big for her and as she said "orange is not my color". . .okay mom. So because I love my mom i made her some awesome GLOW-IN-THE-DARK!!!! pajama pants. I bought some Halloween cotton print for $2.50 a metre from fabricland. I was making them for me but she asked for them so  I said okay. We didn't even know they glow in the dark-my found out when she was going up the stairs in the dark. Hilarious!
Those are eyes. . .not bows like my mom thought! I'm going to go back and buy the bright lime fabric too!
Pattern- Newlook 
fabric- fl halloween clearout $2.50/m used 2m
time to complete-2 hours
cost-$6.00



Bambam and his bone. . .so cute!


Don't ask me about this pose. . .
PatternAdvance 5876
fabric-rayon something $1.00m, buttons 25 cents 
time to complete-1 week-1st time using a non marked pattern
cost-$4.25



Possibly the worst model in the world. She kept talking constantly while I took the pic and then she called Bambam over for something.


Now this is Borris (Bambam's nanny) and let me tell you about this photo. He's looking very plump and proud. He should be. I had a dish of 3 half chicken breasts that I had cooling off from the oven. I turn around and Borris is on the fucking stove about to try some chicken. I remove him and I move the chicken to the counter-for some reason I thought he walk away. . . I go to do something and then return to the kitchen and there he is on the floor chomping on a half chicken breast!!!! Like it was a mouse or something! I have a mini freak out and take the chicken from him (he's not greedy and he doesn't bite or scratch so there wasn't much of  fight) and I divide the chicken between him and Bambam. So basically this was him resting after his "catch". Fucking cats, I tell you!



Thursday, August 18, 2011

What's in a diagnosis?

Premorbid anxiety, in medical parlance, means anxiety that existed prior to or preceded (and therefore may have contributed to) the onset of a different illness or other medically significant condition or event.


                                 People who have never suffered (and it truly IS suffering) from depression don't have a clue. They have no idea how draining it can be. Combine that with a 30 minutes panic attack and you have can have a real good ol' time! People who are chronically depressed at least (maybe?) are more prepared for the panic attack or are at least used to constant suffering and sadness.  Just because you have a BA in Psychology does not mean that you UNDERSTAND depression or anxiety. You may understand the theory but you don't know what triggers someone to have an attack when they've been "cured" for a number of years. You also can't expect that it will go over well when you suggest to someone "you should go see someone". I did. I saw a therapist when I was 16. It was alright, there was a lot of talking and she gave me hot chocolate and i was comforted by her dog who sat next to me on the couch. 
                        
                                   At 21 my real problems surfaced. I've always been an anxious person. fearful of what could happen to certain people in my life. I began crying all the time and sent a mass text to all my friends that I didn't feel like talking or hanging out and if I was ignoring you, well I'm sorry, I can't help it. Don't take this personally. And they didn't. Most of them. My doctor referred me to The outpatient Mood Disorders Clinic, located in the Detwiller Pavilion of UBC Hospital. I sat down with a psychiatrist (whose name I can no longer recall-but he was nice & he had a beard) who told me to "start from the beginning". Not my beginning, my parent's lives because this would flow into my own story and they might connect. They did ( I guess). I was already past my breaking point so our weekly session was full of tears and pain. I poured everything out. Everything about my birthfather (feeling as if he never wanted me when really staying out of my life was the best thing for me-only took me 20 years to figure it out), feeling like "which one does not belong" when it came to being a stepchild-and now that my dad has passed away I KNOW he loved me so much. He had to love my sisters, they are his blood but he CHOSE to love me and make me part of his family, I'm the special one who isn't the odd man out but the MVP. I miss you dad. Back to my psychiatrist. . .after many sessions he "diagnosed" me. Premorbid social anxiety disorder and (because I'm so lovely and fucked up I get 2 anxiety disorders!) acute anxiety. Now,  some people LOVE labels. I mean, they DEFINE their very existence by at least a dozen (or more) labels. I don't live that way. The only "labels" I will ever really use in reference to myself are "realist" and "difficult". Is "difficult" a label? Doesn't matter. Oh,  and one more "label"  I readily use on myself? "fucked up". Look, I'm not  freak or a nutcase (hey, more labels!) I just know who I am and what I expect from myself. 


                                 My sister  (BA in Psychology) announced last week that I am 'difficult-to-adapt". . .I don't really know what it means and to be honest,  I don't care. I've been difficult since   I was 5 years old. So anyways, the bearded man told me what my deal was and suggested I attend group therapy. No. I had the form, never went. 


It's 5:30 am. i had my panic attack at 3:30am. Tired now, will continue tomorrow. . .or not.